Monday, March 3, 2014


The goody bags given out to every attendee at today’s Academy Awards ceremony have an individual value of $80,000.  If Oscars’ goody bags were a prime indicator of economic progress, it would be safe to assume that things were on the up and up, as this is twice as much as last year’s.

The funny thing about the goody bags is that they are handed out to very rich people who can already afford the stuff that’s in them several times over. Any folically-challenged actor may well be thrilled by the most expensive item in the bag, a $16,000 voucher for a robotic hair restoration, but truth be told, their personal hair stylist will soon discourage them from straying off to some rival salon. If they did try it out, they may come to appreciate the cheapest item in the bag, the $6.49 Drain Wig, which prevents loose hair from clogging up the shower. Same goes for another of the least expensive items, a Mace pepper gun, worth $120. Do they need that when they have their own security detail?  What does a Hollywood superstar do with it?  The answer – give it to an assistant.  Whether so many “O-shot procedures” will be re-gifted is another question altogether. This $2,700 treatment is a vaginal stimulation intended to reawaken sex drive. Then there’s a $4,900 system to purify home water supplies, or a $2,560 home spa installation in the unlikely event star’s homes are lacking in such basic necessities already. Further afield a $6,850 train trip through the Rockies, or a $15,000 walking tour through Japan may appeal, depending on shooting schedules and outstanding invitations for vacations on yachts and private islands.

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